The Prehistoric Earth and Us

It would suck if .... Whhhhhooooooooooooo Koosh!
METEOR.

How long would we have to live?
Say it hits in the South Pacific, as far away as possible.
How long before the earthquake?
How long before the tidal wave?
the giant dust cloud?
Who gets to live ten seconds?
ten minutes?
ten hours? ten days?
ten years?
Who makes it through?
Cockroaches and jellyfish?
Yeah.
A few types of fungus, ebola, and ferns?
Is it bigger than a bread box? It died.
Except for raccoons and goats, those guys can live off fucking anything.

Would wolly mammoths and dinosaurs have been friends?

How Cliche!

Disclaimer: This is a cock and bull story.

“She’s going to have a cow!”
“Oh, congratulations, Bull!” exclaimed cock, “So she was screwing with you, eh?”
“Yup, Farmer sure made a good call when he dialed up Rancher and bought her last year. Oh howdy there, Pig!”
“I just heard the good news!” cried Pig as he handed Bull a cigar, “Now some advice from one dad to an expecting: don’t throw the baby out with the bath water!”
“Since when did piglet get baths?” laughed Cock, lighting their cigars.
“Oh, just the once last week, I threw him a curve ball and he ran into a mud puddle while trying to catch it. That’s what I get for playing catch when I’m over the hill. But how was I supposed to know about the bath, I’m a pig!”
“It sure has been muddy over there.” Said Bull, “Say, Cock, I think someone is yanking your chain!”
“Right you are! Must be feeding time, I’ll see you fellers later,” Cock hopped back towards his pen, muttering “I sure hope we don’t get small potatoes again today!”
“Hello boys! What are you doing, blowing smoke over here?” said Cat as he hopped down from the barn’s attic, “You know you can’t smoke in here.”
“Sorry, Cat, we were celebrating Bull and Cow’s exciting news, but we couldn’t go outside because I’m all tied up here at home.” Explained Pig.
“Well in that case, I guess I’ll cut you some slack,” said Cat, slicing through Pig’s rope with her claws. “Congrats, Bull!”
“Thanks so much, Cat! What’s new with you? I hear you’ve been drinking the Kool-Aid.”
“Well just last night, really, we ran out of milk, but, of course we just got some more from Cow in the morning.”
“Well I’m glad that’s settled, I can’t imagine why Farmer and his family like that stuff!” Said Bull, “I much prefer water, myself. Now I’ll just kick the bucket and we can get out of here.”
“You mean the one holding Horse’s water? How will that help?” Asked Pig, bewildered.
“No, just the empty green one over there, if I kick it up against the door it will swing open. I want to go to town and celebrate! I want to go hear the bluegrass at the hotel tonight, and all that jazz over at the bar!”
“Cat, you comin’?” Asked Pig, courteously.
“Naw, I’m gonna go face the elephant in the room. Ever since the circus forgot him here last May he’s been an absolute wreck.”

Cat stalked off and Pig and Bull went to find Cock to see if he wanted to come.

An Appeal

I am well aware.
And I'm confident that you are aware, we are all aware.
Awareness is not our problem.
Awareness is not the issue.
It is action that we need.
Awareness without action, after all, is no better than apathy (appalling!).
Apathy, the absence of concern, our ages arch-enemy,
But, lacking action, awareness may as well be apathy.
We don't need people to be aware, we need people to care.
We need people to act
All of us.
(And if your action does no more than add to awareness, I suggest you re-assess your attempt at aiding the earth)

Mismatched

I always end up with one shoe off and one shoe on. I don't know how this happens, but consistently, whenever I'm at my desk, one foot holds on to its shoe and the other foot abandons it, choosing the chillier but freer route. It is then up to my brain to put on a new shoe when the time comes. This doesn't always go smoothly. Due to my feet's habit of removing shoes, about half of my shoe collection is underneath my desk. Form the many available options, my absentminded brain does not always choose the correct, matching shoe to clad my bare food. And because my mind is frequently absent during these changes, I am never aware of the fact that I'm mismatched until I start walking and something is just not quite right. It often takes me until the end of the hallway before I realize what that something is.

I don't know, what?

How do you mend a broken jack o' lantern?

With a pumpkin patch!

Why is it so hard to play poker in the jungle?

Because there are so many cheetahs!

Where do bees go to the bathroom?

At the B.P. Station!

The more there is of it, the less you see. What is it?

Answer 1: Darkness
Answer 2: Clothes

(I like answer 2 better)

Post-its

I'm running out of Post-it notes.
Tragic. I organize my life on them.
Lists for the day, week, hour. Notes to people, conveniently adhesive. Doodles, Ideas.
What will happen to my life?

Life, lives, lies. Leaf, Leaves, Leave. Laugh, Lass, Last. Long, Lone, Lope. Lost, Least, Lean.
Laffy-Taffy.

Do you see what I mean?

Peanuts for Pacaderms

Her mouth is dry and salty, so she has to lick the envelope twice before it stays shut. Crumbs of nut get usurped by the sticky stripe, and are then trapped between the sheets of white. The bulging paper is covered in stamps; pictures of flags, liberty bells, and wildflowers dominate the right hand side of the envelope. That must be several dollars worth. She's not sure how much postage to Asia is. She is worried about the elephants. She learned today that they live in Africa and Asia, and she knows from the movies that they like to eat peanuts. But she just isn't sure that there are peanuts in Africa and Asia. She doesn't know much about Africa and Asia, except that they are far away. She knows that here there are peanuts, but no elephants. So maybe in Africa and Asia, where there are elephants, there aren't any peanuts. She's on a mission to save the elephants, one envelope full of peanuts at a time.